The Anchor of My Soul

"And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." Hebrews 11:6

Seven years ago on a hot August day, I faced my first crisis of belief. I did not doubt the existence of God, the sacrifice, burial and resurrection of His Son on my behalf, His creation of the world and His constant sustaining of life, but I doubted Him. The Him that I'd read about, heard about, taught about, sung about, written about. Was He who He said He was? Would He do what He promised to do?
Seven years ago, I'd received confirmation that the little girl I was carrying was not going to live. The length of her life in the womb and outside of it was unknown, but what was sure was that she would not live very long.

In the weeks that passed after the diagnoses, my faith in God was not rocked. I did not doubt HIs existence or even HIs power. My belief in His nature was rocked like nothing before. So many doubts about who God is and how He works.

I think there are times in our lives, on our journeys that we are faced with the reality that our present circumstances do not seem to align with what we've held to be true about God.

During our time here, I've had the opportunity to talk with many people. Sometimes this is at the playground while our children play. Other times it's over coffee on campus. Still others it's sitting at someone's table as we share our experiences and coffee. A common theme is this crisis of belief.

How do I believe that God is loving if He allowed my daughter to die when He could have healed her?

How do I believe that God is sovereign over all when white-supremacists still march, when racism is prevalent and seemingly defended, when the whole world seems to have gone nuts? When right is called wrong and wrong is called right?


How do I believe that God has truly called us here to plant a church when it seems that He is silent?

Abraham. He believed God. He believed God is who He says He is. He believed God even when he didn't understand God. So much so he willingly offered up his own son to God.

I haven't arrived at the answer to my doubts and questions, but what I have arrived at is that my belief of God is based upon my knowledge of God and then...just a trust that God is who He says He is.

I must take Him at His Word.

I don't know why some people suffer greatly and others seemingly not at all.

I don't know why some people lose all their children to death, struggle to have one child, live with barren wombs, while others enjoy large families.

I don't know why in this place my youngest son struggles so desperately. Still struggling. His little heart sad, discouraged, anxious.

I don't know the "why's" in His ways, but I do know that He is who He says He is. I know it because I choose to believe it.

On this day, seven years after my first crisis of belief, I face my second one. As I sit here typing, I struggle to see how God will build His church through us. In this place it feels like a lofty dream. I begin and end every day the same--crying out to God to build His church. This place has brought to light the complete powerlessness of my broken self.

So many questions race through my  mind. Why did God bring us here? Is He really going to build His church?

I know some people seemingly never waver in their belief. And maybe others do...I remember a day seven years ago when I faced a choice:

Walk away from my faith--deny it and face a life disbelieving
or
Believe ALL of God's Word---take Him at His Word. Trust that even though my present circumstances don't seemingly line up with what is true about God, God does not change. He is the same in the valley as He is on the mountaintop.

I choose today to make the same choice I made seven years ago.

I choose to take God at His Word.

But God... "We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek." Hebrews 6:19-20

I don't apologize for my crises of belief. I'm thankful for the wrestling in the night for it is in the night that the LIGHT shines the brightest. And shine it always does...forever.

Life Giving

"Oil and incense bring joy to the heart, and the sweetness of a friend is better than self-counsel." Proverbs 27:9 HCSB

I once heard a very wise and godly friend of mine talk about being a life-giving person. She explained the significance and importance of giving life to others with words of encouragement, challenge, and kindness and NOT draining life through whining, complaining, a critical spirit and bitterness. This lesson has stuck with me and I've hoped to be a life -giver not a life drainer, yet it is a struggle. I've even thought of how this applies within my own home with my husband and children. May I be a life-giver and not a life-drainer!

This past week I was blessed with a visit from three dear friends who are life-givers. They are undramatic, yet fun and adventurous. They are faithful and true, always ready with a kind, encouraging and challenging word. They are the type of friends with whom words are not necessary always. Their short visit was life-giving to me. Often I'm asked what I miss about Frankfort and I always immediately reply, "My friends!" Having these three friends visit and experience some of my most favorite places here was a special gift.

What a joy to share the meadow in RMNP which is hands down my favorite spot in Colorado. It truly is a special thing to be able to share this new place with old friends. We trekked all over, experiencing some of the most beautiful sights in the land. All with awe and excitement! We spoke many words, had many conversations, and sat in silence--all easily and comfortably!

So many people have visited with us and each visit has been life-giving to us! I'm always so humbled that people would travel so far to see us and experience this new place with us!

I hope that many more people will come! We are truly buoyed by your prayers and know that God is answering them.

Everyone who has visited has asked how they can help, and while there are plenty of things to do, mostly, we are helped just by your company. 

The beauty of this place is incredible. I find myself pinching myself at the reality that I get to live here. I really do love this city and the people in it. While we were hiking in RMNP, I found myself proudly telling people that I live in Fort Collins. 

The boys received new pajamas from their Nana and I have to say, this kid is rocking his like a boss. 

We couldn't continue on this journey without you. My hope is to create a Facebook Page for those of you who are holding the rope for us. It will be a private place to share some really specific prayer requests and updates---sort of like an extended version of our coffee and desserts! Be on the lookout if you are a Facebook user.  

Thank you for being life givers to us and for continuing to lift us up in your prayers. We are meeting so many people and building relationships. Our constant prayer is that God would build His church here in Fort Collins! May He increase and we decrease!

Without Ceasing

Many things are happening in FoCo. The weather has changed here. Gone are the days of bright sun and warm temperatures. Now the mornings are cold, the afternoons are warm and the evenings are cool. The leaves are changing colors rapidly and the sun is setting sooner.

The prairie is still one of my favorite places to run. You just can't beat the sunrises and the sunsets. It is one of the more peaceful places here in FoCo.

Recently, James asked to buy a birthday gift for a classmate and we picked out Hatch-a-mals. They are the neatest toys and always a surprise. They are all the rage at my house now.

Bible Study Fellowship started and already I feel the conviction of studying Romans. I was struck by Paul's opening lines to the Romans, people whom he's never met at the time he's writing them a letter. He says that he does not cease to mention them in his prayers or to ask God that he might get to visit them.  It took Paul several years to get to Rome and when he went, he went as a prisoner. I can't say that I've prayed for people like that, especially people I've never even met, BUT as I thought about this passage, I thought about all of you who are praying for people you've never even met. How blessed I am by that knowledge!!!

The boys were out of school last Friday and a sweet friend was visiting us for a week, so we took another trip to Rocky Mountain National Park (RMNP). It's about an hour drive away from FoCo and as you can tell, we were excited and a few of us a little carsick. We drive through Big Thompson canyon, winding our way through the foothills to RMNP. It's a breathtaking drive. Just imagine the movie Planes: Fire and Rescue and you'll get a picture of what we see as we're winding our way to RMNP. 

This was taken in the low country which is still almost nine thousand feet above sea level. I wish you could see it in person. It truly is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. 

A funny thing about RMNP is that you never know what the temperature or weather is going to be. We hopped out of the car to take a picture and as you can tell, we were freezing. It's pretty windy there and snowing in the high country. 

The elk were in full bugling mode. If we heard one elk bugle, we heard six or seven bugle. It really is amazing to see wildlife doing their thing in the wild. 

Can you spot my wild creature? I love my baby boy so much. He had a rough weekend this past weekend. Zack made a trip back to Kentucky and we stayed here. Change can be challenging for James and the beginning of this week, it hit him hard. He's better now and it's just another opportunity for God to show Himself in a big way to our baby boy. Good grief, I love him!

We don't have much of a backyard at our house now, but when you have places like RMNP, it doesn't really matter much. 

The boys adventured hard while we were there. They climbed boulders, hid from spies, hunted elk, jumped off rocks and picked up sticks. At the end of the day, they declared it to be a really special day! I often think of how different their childhood is now. They do miss their friends and the people we left behind. They speak of you often and wonder how you all are, but they are on the frontline of God doing some pretty incredible things! And they live in one of the most beautiful places in the world!

Surprisingly, I had to coerce James into taking this picture with the park ranger. John Owen was all about it and so was the park ranger. We asked him only for a picture, but he gave us so much more, guiding us to the best spots to see bear, moose, bighorn sheep, etc. He even gave us a heads up about heading up to the high country before they closed the roads. We like to think of him as Smokey. lol

And the high country! There are no words. I remember reading in Revelation about when John saw Jesus in His glory and John fell down as if he were dead. I cannot even imagine what heaven will be like if earth is like the high country in RMNP. It really is incredible and stirs my soul in a way that other things do not. I hope you get a chance to visit us and make this trip to the high country with us. I can't promise there'll always be snow, but I can promise an incredible view!

Thank you for praying for us. God is answering your prayers. I hope you know that and I wish I could share the very specific ways He's answering your prayers. Maybe one day here on earth, or maybe it'll be the next side of heaven when I introduce you to the people who are there because you sacrificed, because you did not cease to mention people you don't even know in your prayers, because you came and saw, because you believed and hoped. One day...

Eager To Oblige

Seventy days. A little over two months. That's how long we've been here, yet it feels like a lifetime ago that we packed up and left. In all of our planning to move here, I always knew there was something deeper, something bigger that God was teaching me. I knew we were about to "jump off" the cliff of security and I didn't really know what it'd be like after we let go of all that brought us comfort, security, safety, and joy. It's easy to think that God will replicate in your new place the life you had in your old place. That you'll, over time, build new relationships to replace the old, and find your way again as the new life becomes as familiar and comfortable as the old life.

But so it seems as if God is doing something new, not just in our hearts, but in our family. We've had so many firsts since moving here. It's hard for me to keep up with all of them.

Two months here have taught me so much more than I learned in the last two years. In the first chapter of Paul's letter to the Romans, Paul writes about his eagerness to fulfill his obligation to share the gospel. As I read that verse, the conviction was overwhelming. Paul was so fully aware of God's work in his life that he was eager to share the good news with others, even if it inconvenienced him.

I want to be like Paul. I want to be so aware of all that God has done for me that I'm eager to fulfill my obligation. God has shown Himself faithful time and time again. He has opened so many doors for us and shown us so much favor.

Even as we enter into familiar things, there is always an air of difference about them. We've played soccer for almost five years now, yet soccer feels different here. As we've transitioned to our new place, I've watched as my boys have grown and changed in their own ways. 

Just as their bodies are experiencing growth spurts, their spirits and emotions are, too. 

There's always an air of expectancy around our house. We sense that God is working in ways we can't even see to build His church. There are days that feel like failures. I allow a bad attitude or the lack of interaction with people cause me to waiver in my faith, yet God never stops showing up for us.

I don't think about what I left behind every day now, but there's always that something with me. That knowledge that the old is gone and the new is here. Everyday I give back the wonderful life that was given to me that I might eagerly fulfill the obligation that I have. 

So many prayers are being answered. Your prayers are being answered. So many conversations are being had with CSU students or neighbors or fellow parents or my Muslim friends all because you are faithful to pray. 

As Paul wrote to the Romans about his longing to visit with them, I write to you about my longing and eagerness to see God build His church here. The old is not being replicated. The new is here and from it, hopefully, if we eagerly fulfill our obligation to share the good news of Jesus Christ, many will become a part of the family that God gifted us with. I long for us to stand together one day and know that we are all in this together. 

We rely heavily upon your prayers. Please continue to lift us up and the work here as often as God brings us to your mind and then some. Know that He is hearing your prayers. Believe me, He is answering them. 

Stories from FoCo: The Hello

As a way to offer a glimpse into our lives here, I've decided to share some portraits of the people we've met and some of the new friendships we're forming. Hopefully, as you read, you can begin to see a clearer picture into our new life.


The Hello

The sun is shining and she is standing. Alone. The thin fabric of her dress lifting slightly as the breeze whispers around her thin frame.  Near her are two small girls in white dresses with purple flowers. Their dark hair pulled back in matching pigtails. Their olive skin in stark contrast to the great sea of paleness.

There are no buses here. Just people, neighbors next door, two doors, or three streets apart, all converging in this place. Every morning. And every afternoon.

Groups form as groups always do. Neighbors who've been so for decades. Strangers, now friends, who've collided over this similar space that is the elementary school, brought together by proximity and the shared experience of raising their children.

The sun is shining and she is standing. Alone.

I enter this space like a moth circling a street light. I flitter from one group, two men on the grass, their friendship obvious by the ease of their interaction, their casual stance, the depth of their conversation. Their comfort great enough that opinions are shared, accepted, rejected. The friendship remains.

The next group, two moms. Younger than I. Their conversation more a dialogue of their kids' activities, schedules, weekend plans that don't involve one another. Their friendship rooted in shared teachers and years of showing up in the same space.

The sun is shining and she is standing. Alone.

I move farther into this space. I see a faintly familiar face. My neighbor--three houses down--stands farther into the sea of paleness and the waiting groups. I move toward her and then I see her.

The sun is shining and she is standing. Alone.

I see the warm light of familiar ahead of me. I am new here. I long for connection, for the warmth of knowing and being known.

But the sun is shining and she is standing. Alone.

My turmoil lasts ten seconds in real time, but inside hours seem to pass. The first step to engaging a Muslim is to say, "Hello." I hear this in my head. The Spirit reminding me of a lesson learned months ago in my before place. My sending place. The first step to engaging a Muslim is to say, "Hello." It is on repeat. But the light is ahead. It is warm. Acceptance is sure. I argue I am not the one. Others are better prepared for this. I have no words to say. I have failed at small talk my entire life. The first step to engaging a Muslim is to say, "Hello." The record of truth plays over and over in my head. I move forward, slowly.

The sun is shining and she is standing. Alone.

Say, "Hello."

"Hello," I say too loudly. Conversations pause and then resume. She turns. Her pink Hijab hiding all but the smooth skin of her olive face. Her eyes are replicated in the two girls in white dresses with purple flowers.

"Hello," she says, softly, curiously.  Silence. Seconds that feel like hours pass. I speak, asking questions, sharing my own brief history here, seeking some connection beyond this shared space.

We are both new. She is two years into this place. Ten years in America. Four children. We share a teacher--2nd grade. We share Africa---she the north, Libya. Me, the east, Ethiopia.

We agree on the unfamiliarity of this new place. She grins. I smile.  We both miss home.

"What do you miss?" she asks, her north African accent faintly evident.

"My friends," I say, and then again "I miss my friends," because I need her to understand the hole that has been left inside of me.  She nods, the pink Hijab fluttering slightly. She understands.

An idea forms, quickly as most ideas do. I look at her, sideways. She is watching the girls in the white dresses with the purple flowers. Her daughters. Their heads uncovered. Still too young for their Hijab.

The first step to engaging a Muslim is to say, "Hello."

"We could be friends." I say it without much thought as I'm prone to do. I mean it as I'm prone to do. I want to be her friend, but not as much as I want her to be mine.

She smiles, revealing the braces that have been working to straighten her teeth. Her face beautiful. She is young. I am not.

She is Muslim. I am not.

She nods, "O.k." The North African accent slightly thicker.

The sun is shining and she is standing.

Next to me.

Our connection different. We are outsiders here. Both different, yet made in the same image.

The sun is shining and we are standing. Together. Inquiring about children, husbands, weekend activities. Friendship forming.
The first step to engaging a Muslim is to say, "Hello."

A Declaration of Glory

“But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you; 

 or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you. 

Which of all these does not know that the hand of the LORD has done this? 

 In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind." Job 12:7-10

When I stand in the midst of such glory and beauty that is the Rocky Mountains, I wonder what must creation have looked like in the very beginning in all of its perfection? I dare say it would cause me to fall on my knees in awe and wonder.

We worshipped with a body of believers in Arvada, Colorado this Sunday and then traveled to Estes Park and RMNP for the rest of the day. Our goal was to encounter elk and hopefully hear them bugling in the "wild". 

As we made our way into Rocky Mountain National Park (RMNP), we saw these pockets of color. The Aspen trees are already changing color. It really is a sight to behold. Green everywhere and then a pop of color here and there. 

We did a tiny, tiny bit of hiking. Really we meandered down some trails in search of elk, our ears ever listening for their bugle. In all honesty, with the sons of thunder around, listening for elk is as easy as if we were inside a full stadium of football fans.

Rain is scarce here so this trail proved a little challenging, but they are always up for the challenge.

As Zack stands spying out the land, the boys are below trying to find a way to follow him up this boulder. They are persistent in their pursuit of following him wherever he goes.

Creation really does declare God's glory. There in the distance you can see a rainbow peeking through. 

We chose a smaller boulder to climb. It felt like fall sitting on this rock. The wind blowing slightly, the creek below us gurgling, the leaves changing. You can see snow on the mountains in the distance. I've never been to the Rockies when I haven't seen snow. And I've yet to master preparing for the temperature changes in the mountains. Note the boys are in shorts and short sleeves.

Their relationship amazes me. So often, especially more recently, a lot of attention has been given to ethnicity, citizenship, rights, ancestry, etc., in this country. These two are brothers through and through. They're on this rock talking about whatever it is they talk about. It's their conversation; their bond. 

We had one pullover and they decided to share it. Though they fight and bicker, they are fiercely devoted to one another. 

We tried really hard to get a picture together and this is the best result. We are not short on smiles in our family, but we are short on teeth.

Storyline Church in Arvada, Colorado invited us to their worship service so they could pray over us and the ministry of Overland. Church planting is not for the faint of heart. These past two months have grown me in incredible ways and have challenged me. God has continually shown Himself faithful. It's easy in this process to feel alone, like you're in it solo. It was a great encouragement to have another church plant cheer us on and commit their prayers to us. 

Looking for elk in RMNP is a thing. We weren't alone in our pursuit of hearing the elk bugle. There were many other people doing the same thing we were yesterday. That's Longs Peak in the background, one of Colorado's many 14ers. 

We spotted an elk and spent some time watching him as he made his way to a few cow elk bedded down nearby. We watched him for a while and then began to make our way out of the park when we heard the faint cry of an elk bugle. We turned quickly down a side road and made our way up a short trail. And then it came, breaking through the silence---the bugle. And then again. And again. We listened as the elk made its way down the mountain and into the meadow in front of us. He emerged from the woods and we all whispered excitedly. He put on a show for us and then as the sun said good-bye behind the mountains, we headed back home. 

Creation really does declare God's glory.

I really can't tell you the impact your prayers are having. I hope to share with you some individual stories, but know that you are our lifeline. God is hearing your prayers and working in this place on your behalf. You are as much as part of this as we are. Every day this place becomes more familiar and our hearts are more knitted to it than the day before. As we drove back from RMNP, it felt like we were driving home. There are still days when I miss my people. I feel bittersweet about the happenings in your lives, but I know that He is worth the sacrifice of everything I have. 

Thank you for joining us on this journey. 

The Confessions of a Reluctant Church Planter's Wife: Part Three

Life has a way of marching on, doesn't it? Since the boys began school, life has picked up a bit for us. Last weekend, we helped out with a multi-ministry tailgate before the very first CSU football game in their brand new stadium. We met a lot of new people, connected with other campus ministries and watched as the thousands of people filed into the stadium to watch Colorado State play Oregon State. Though many things are vastly different here, corn hole is as much a part of tailgating here as it is at home.  One thought runs through my head when we are on campus. The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. It feels overwhelming at times when I see the number of students on campus, but I know that God has brought us here and is stirring in the hearts of others to come here, too. 

I know that Fall is approaching, but it's been hard for me to really differentiate between Fall and Summer here because the climate is so mild. The weather really is incredible. The sun really does shine a lot, there's little to no humidity, and the skies are usually always blue. 

The other day I saw these mums at the King Soopers, which is the West's version of Kroger. Talk about sticker shock! 

Where are the boy scouts when I need them? 

A big part of our transition here is learning our new culture. We've tried to learn as much about our new city by being in our city. We try to hang out in places where people are. 

Our time here is much  more intentional, especially where people are concerned. We don't have an established church with automatic community and ministries that we can jump into. Instead, we're starting from scratch. We've tried to be intentional about "hanging out" at places where some of our neighbors might be. This past Sunday evening, we went to this local neighborhood pub. It's just a short bike ride from our house. Such a different way to spend our Sunday evenings than what we used to do in Frankfort!

Part of planting Overland means that we seek first to plant ourselves here. Some days the planting of ourselves here feels really slow. I feel so inadequate. I'd never be mistaken for an extrovert and that hasn't changed here. Beginning conversations is hard for me. So hard. I fumble with my words and usually end up saying something so odd that people just look at me like I have four heads. I know I'm exaggerating a little, but that's what it feels like on the inside. I psych myself up, go over what I'm going to say in my head several hundred times when I know I might encounter some person at the school or around our neighborhood. It's not in my comfort zone, but God has been faithful to go before me and help me learn to be myself. And no one has run screaming from me. Haha!

This is just half the section of kombucha in the natural grocers near our house. Personally, I love this store. I don't buy all of our groceries here because it's really pricey, but I can find all the natural stuff my little heart desires here. And, be still my heart, they have fair trade coffee and chocolate for days. 

Anyone who's known me for any time knows my love of baking. It's been a challenge here to learn how to bake in the higher altitude. These were supposed to be chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, but I'll just call them crispy wafers. lol I've done some research and it's a real balancing act to conquer the elevation when baking, but I know practice makes perfect. If anyone is a pro at this or has any suggestions for high altitude baking, send them my way!!

Mail is different here. We don't have an actual mailbox on our house. Instead, there are mailboxes at the end of the street. It's been a fun adventure going down to check the mail. We love getting mail. It's the highlight of our day to ride to the mailbox and find stuff from our people back home or other places.

John Owen turned eight this week. We celebrated with breakfast at a local place here in Fort Collins called the Silver Grill. If you ever get to visit us, we'll for sure take you there! There's also a neat ice cream place in Old Town that he L.O.V.E.S. He was gifted a scoop a month for a year from dear friends who are family to us. All in all, he's rocked this move out West. I worried that he'd struggle with anxiety or be nervous about making friends, but he's really come into himself. He's changed a lot since we've moved. He's gained a confidence that didn't quite show before. It was always within him, but maybe he just never needed it before.

We cannot plant Overland without you. Mostly, we need your constant prayers. Before we left we held many coffee and dessert meetings asking people to "Hold The Rope" for us. I'm thankful God led us to do this because as we've been here, I've understood that necessity of people back home supporting us through prayer. It's going to take a lot of money to launch Overland next year. It's going to take even more prayer! We're in this together! I see more clearly why God led us to have those meetings and to ask people to hold the rope. Overland isn't just something He's doing through us. It's something He's doing through all of us. Thanks for being on this journey with us!