Originally published September 5, 2010
Psalm 56:8: "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"
Psalm 56:10-11: "In god, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid..."
Today we celebrated John Owen's first birthday. His birthday is actually August 31st. There were lots of friends, gifts, and food. What a blessing to share in this celebration with such sweet, kind people. I've included some pictures from the celebration so you could see just how blessed we were.
Can you see him peeking over the bag? He was surrounded by his loot!
I traveled to Mt. Washington Friday evening to visit with friends. As I drove there I meditated on our present journey. Since August 23rd, my way of coping had been to stay busy. Every day I had risen from bed and sought out tasks to keep my mind occupied. My plan had been to continue this way until this Ella Grace was born. I had BIG plans for our home--lots of organization and redecorating.
As I drove I began to realize that I was missing "it". Before finding out that our baby would not live past birth, I had meditated a lot on joyful obedience to God. If I truly believe that the Bible is true and that God's promises are true, then my obedience to Him should not be one of forlorn subjection, but I should find joy in His plans for me. Right?
So what's the "it" that I was missing? IT is living like I trust God and believe that this journey is His best for me. God is Sovereign. He is the author of life. He formed Ella Grace in my womb. He has created her exactly as He wants her to be. That's part of the IT that I was missing. The doctors call it a birth defect and deformity, but God says, "It is good."
Zack and I both believe this is what He has ordained for us. We obediently accept this plan for us.
BUT and this is where I will be painfully honest with you in hopes you will not focus on my sinful nature, but will see the glory of God. Wednesday, September 1st when the perinatal doctor told me that our baby was an anencephaly baby and then he fully explained what that meant, detailing the deformities (I'll spare you), that I would most likely get very big with this pregnancy because anencephaly babies can't swallow and the fluid just stays in the mother's stomach, that all the fluid could cause my uterus to rupture, and that our baby's condition was akin to being brain dead, my flesh saw "early delivery" as a relief from this condition. I don't tell you that because I'm proud of it. I'm not. I'm human and my sinful nature wars within me. I fought it all the way home, trying to justify and work out why it would be o.k. to terminate. We wouldn't keep a brain dead adult alive, would we?
How wretched my selfishness! I grieved that day--for my baby and for myself. I sought the Lord. And as I drove to Mt. Washington, I chose to not follow my heart, but to LEAD it to joyful obedience to God. Immediately, and I mean immediately, I felt the presence of God. I felt my heart leap with joy at the thought of carrying Ella Grace and prayed fervently that God would not take her early (something I had selfishly prayed in the beginning). I began to joy at this opportunity to bring God glory through our act of obedience.
Zack and I have chosen to joy each day of Ella Grace's life in the womb--each day we have with her and whatever amount of time God gives us with her when she is born. I find pleasure in my growing stomach, in the flutters that I feel, in the knowledge that she is there for this appointed time.
She is ours. God gave her to us and through this first part of the journey I have learned that when we are obedient to God, there is joy--even in the most difficult acts of obedience.
There's a song ("Trust and Obey") I used to sing in church when I was growing up. I'll leave you with part of it because it truly sums up what I have learned thus far. "Trust and Obey, for there's no other way/to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey...Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share, but our toil he doth richly repay; not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross, but is blessed if we TRUST and OBEY.
May you find the same joy in obedience I have. May you see the glory of Christ in my journey.
For this part of our journey, we will celebrate life in the womb and outside of it!
Psalm 56:8: "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"
Psalm 56:10-11: "In god, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid..."
Today we celebrated John Owen's first birthday. His birthday is actually August 31st. There were lots of friends, gifts, and food. What a blessing to share in this celebration with such sweet, kind people. I've included some pictures from the celebration so you could see just how blessed we were.
Can you see him peeking over the bag? He was surrounded by his loot!I traveled to Mt. Washington Friday evening to visit with friends. As I drove there I meditated on our present journey. Since August 23rd, my way of coping had been to stay busy. Every day I had risen from bed and sought out tasks to keep my mind occupied. My plan had been to continue this way until this Ella Grace was born. I had BIG plans for our home--lots of organization and redecorating.
As I drove I began to realize that I was missing "it". Before finding out that our baby would not live past birth, I had meditated a lot on joyful obedience to God. If I truly believe that the Bible is true and that God's promises are true, then my obedience to Him should not be one of forlorn subjection, but I should find joy in His plans for me. Right?
So what's the "it" that I was missing? IT is living like I trust God and believe that this journey is His best for me. God is Sovereign. He is the author of life. He formed Ella Grace in my womb. He has created her exactly as He wants her to be. That's part of the IT that I was missing. The doctors call it a birth defect and deformity, but God says, "It is good."
Zack and I both believe this is what He has ordained for us. We obediently accept this plan for us.
BUT and this is where I will be painfully honest with you in hopes you will not focus on my sinful nature, but will see the glory of God. Wednesday, September 1st when the perinatal doctor told me that our baby was an anencephaly baby and then he fully explained what that meant, detailing the deformities (I'll spare you), that I would most likely get very big with this pregnancy because anencephaly babies can't swallow and the fluid just stays in the mother's stomach, that all the fluid could cause my uterus to rupture, and that our baby's condition was akin to being brain dead, my flesh saw "early delivery" as a relief from this condition. I don't tell you that because I'm proud of it. I'm not. I'm human and my sinful nature wars within me. I fought it all the way home, trying to justify and work out why it would be o.k. to terminate. We wouldn't keep a brain dead adult alive, would we?
How wretched my selfishness! I grieved that day--for my baby and for myself. I sought the Lord. And as I drove to Mt. Washington, I chose to not follow my heart, but to LEAD it to joyful obedience to God. Immediately, and I mean immediately, I felt the presence of God. I felt my heart leap with joy at the thought of carrying Ella Grace and prayed fervently that God would not take her early (something I had selfishly prayed in the beginning). I began to joy at this opportunity to bring God glory through our act of obedience.
Zack and I have chosen to joy each day of Ella Grace's life in the womb--each day we have with her and whatever amount of time God gives us with her when she is born. I find pleasure in my growing stomach, in the flutters that I feel, in the knowledge that she is there for this appointed time.
She is ours. God gave her to us and through this first part of the journey I have learned that when we are obedient to God, there is joy--even in the most difficult acts of obedience.
There's a song ("Trust and Obey") I used to sing in church when I was growing up. I'll leave you with part of it because it truly sums up what I have learned thus far. "Trust and Obey, for there's no other way/to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey...Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share, but our toil he doth richly repay; not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross, but is blessed if we TRUST and OBEY.
May you find the same joy in obedience I have. May you see the glory of Christ in my journey.
For this part of our journey, we will celebrate life in the womb and outside of it!
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