The Anchor of My Soul

"And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." Hebrews 11:6

Seven years ago on a hot August day, I faced my first crisis of belief. I did not doubt the existence of God, the sacrifice, burial and resurrection of His Son on my behalf, His creation of the world and His constant sustaining of life, but I doubted Him. The Him that I'd read about, heard about, taught about, sung about, written about. Was He who He said He was? Would He do what He promised to do?
Seven years ago, I'd received confirmation that the little girl I was carrying was not going to live. The length of her life in the womb and outside of it was unknown, but what was sure was that she would not live very long.

In the weeks that passed after the diagnoses, my faith in God was not rocked. I did not doubt HIs existence or even HIs power. My belief in His nature was rocked like nothing before. So many doubts about who God is and how He works.

I think there are times in our lives, on our journeys that we are faced with the reality that our present circumstances do not seem to align with what we've held to be true about God.

During our time here, I've had the opportunity to talk with many people. Sometimes this is at the playground while our children play. Other times it's over coffee on campus. Still others it's sitting at someone's table as we share our experiences and coffee. A common theme is this crisis of belief.

How do I believe that God is loving if He allowed my daughter to die when He could have healed her?

How do I believe that God is sovereign over all when white-supremacists still march, when racism is prevalent and seemingly defended, when the whole world seems to have gone nuts? When right is called wrong and wrong is called right?


How do I believe that God has truly called us here to plant a church when it seems that He is silent?

Abraham. He believed God. He believed God is who He says He is. He believed God even when he didn't understand God. So much so he willingly offered up his own son to God.

I haven't arrived at the answer to my doubts and questions, but what I have arrived at is that my belief of God is based upon my knowledge of God and then...just a trust that God is who He says He is.

I must take Him at His Word.

I don't know why some people suffer greatly and others seemingly not at all.

I don't know why some people lose all their children to death, struggle to have one child, live with barren wombs, while others enjoy large families.

I don't know why in this place my youngest son struggles so desperately. Still struggling. His little heart sad, discouraged, anxious.

I don't know the "why's" in His ways, but I do know that He is who He says He is. I know it because I choose to believe it.

On this day, seven years after my first crisis of belief, I face my second one. As I sit here typing, I struggle to see how God will build His church through us. In this place it feels like a lofty dream. I begin and end every day the same--crying out to God to build His church. This place has brought to light the complete powerlessness of my broken self.

So many questions race through my  mind. Why did God bring us here? Is He really going to build His church?

I know some people seemingly never waver in their belief. And maybe others do...I remember a day seven years ago when I faced a choice:

Walk away from my faith--deny it and face a life disbelieving
or
Believe ALL of God's Word---take Him at His Word. Trust that even though my present circumstances don't seemingly line up with what is true about God, God does not change. He is the same in the valley as He is on the mountaintop.

I choose today to make the same choice I made seven years ago.

I choose to take God at His Word.

But God... "We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek." Hebrews 6:19-20

I don't apologize for my crises of belief. I'm thankful for the wrestling in the night for it is in the night that the LIGHT shines the brightest. And shine it always does...forever.

Life Giving

"Oil and incense bring joy to the heart, and the sweetness of a friend is better than self-counsel." Proverbs 27:9 HCSB

I once heard a very wise and godly friend of mine talk about being a life-giving person. She explained the significance and importance of giving life to others with words of encouragement, challenge, and kindness and NOT draining life through whining, complaining, a critical spirit and bitterness. This lesson has stuck with me and I've hoped to be a life -giver not a life drainer, yet it is a struggle. I've even thought of how this applies within my own home with my husband and children. May I be a life-giver and not a life-drainer!

This past week I was blessed with a visit from three dear friends who are life-givers. They are undramatic, yet fun and adventurous. They are faithful and true, always ready with a kind, encouraging and challenging word. They are the type of friends with whom words are not necessary always. Their short visit was life-giving to me. Often I'm asked what I miss about Frankfort and I always immediately reply, "My friends!" Having these three friends visit and experience some of my most favorite places here was a special gift.

What a joy to share the meadow in RMNP which is hands down my favorite spot in Colorado. It truly is a special thing to be able to share this new place with old friends. We trekked all over, experiencing some of the most beautiful sights in the land. All with awe and excitement! We spoke many words, had many conversations, and sat in silence--all easily and comfortably!

So many people have visited with us and each visit has been life-giving to us! I'm always so humbled that people would travel so far to see us and experience this new place with us!

I hope that many more people will come! We are truly buoyed by your prayers and know that God is answering them.

Everyone who has visited has asked how they can help, and while there are plenty of things to do, mostly, we are helped just by your company. 

The beauty of this place is incredible. I find myself pinching myself at the reality that I get to live here. I really do love this city and the people in it. While we were hiking in RMNP, I found myself proudly telling people that I live in Fort Collins. 

The boys received new pajamas from their Nana and I have to say, this kid is rocking his like a boss. 

We couldn't continue on this journey without you. My hope is to create a Facebook Page for those of you who are holding the rope for us. It will be a private place to share some really specific prayer requests and updates---sort of like an extended version of our coffee and desserts! Be on the lookout if you are a Facebook user.  

Thank you for being life givers to us and for continuing to lift us up in your prayers. We are meeting so many people and building relationships. Our constant prayer is that God would build His church here in Fort Collins! May He increase and we decrease!

Without Ceasing

Many things are happening in FoCo. The weather has changed here. Gone are the days of bright sun and warm temperatures. Now the mornings are cold, the afternoons are warm and the evenings are cool. The leaves are changing colors rapidly and the sun is setting sooner.

The prairie is still one of my favorite places to run. You just can't beat the sunrises and the sunsets. It is one of the more peaceful places here in FoCo.

Recently, James asked to buy a birthday gift for a classmate and we picked out Hatch-a-mals. They are the neatest toys and always a surprise. They are all the rage at my house now.

Bible Study Fellowship started and already I feel the conviction of studying Romans. I was struck by Paul's opening lines to the Romans, people whom he's never met at the time he's writing them a letter. He says that he does not cease to mention them in his prayers or to ask God that he might get to visit them.  It took Paul several years to get to Rome and when he went, he went as a prisoner. I can't say that I've prayed for people like that, especially people I've never even met, BUT as I thought about this passage, I thought about all of you who are praying for people you've never even met. How blessed I am by that knowledge!!!

The boys were out of school last Friday and a sweet friend was visiting us for a week, so we took another trip to Rocky Mountain National Park (RMNP). It's about an hour drive away from FoCo and as you can tell, we were excited and a few of us a little carsick. We drive through Big Thompson canyon, winding our way through the foothills to RMNP. It's a breathtaking drive. Just imagine the movie Planes: Fire and Rescue and you'll get a picture of what we see as we're winding our way to RMNP. 

This was taken in the low country which is still almost nine thousand feet above sea level. I wish you could see it in person. It truly is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. 

A funny thing about RMNP is that you never know what the temperature or weather is going to be. We hopped out of the car to take a picture and as you can tell, we were freezing. It's pretty windy there and snowing in the high country. 

The elk were in full bugling mode. If we heard one elk bugle, we heard six or seven bugle. It really is amazing to see wildlife doing their thing in the wild. 

Can you spot my wild creature? I love my baby boy so much. He had a rough weekend this past weekend. Zack made a trip back to Kentucky and we stayed here. Change can be challenging for James and the beginning of this week, it hit him hard. He's better now and it's just another opportunity for God to show Himself in a big way to our baby boy. Good grief, I love him!

We don't have much of a backyard at our house now, but when you have places like RMNP, it doesn't really matter much. 

The boys adventured hard while we were there. They climbed boulders, hid from spies, hunted elk, jumped off rocks and picked up sticks. At the end of the day, they declared it to be a really special day! I often think of how different their childhood is now. They do miss their friends and the people we left behind. They speak of you often and wonder how you all are, but they are on the frontline of God doing some pretty incredible things! And they live in one of the most beautiful places in the world!

Surprisingly, I had to coerce James into taking this picture with the park ranger. John Owen was all about it and so was the park ranger. We asked him only for a picture, but he gave us so much more, guiding us to the best spots to see bear, moose, bighorn sheep, etc. He even gave us a heads up about heading up to the high country before they closed the roads. We like to think of him as Smokey. lol

And the high country! There are no words. I remember reading in Revelation about when John saw Jesus in His glory and John fell down as if he were dead. I cannot even imagine what heaven will be like if earth is like the high country in RMNP. It really is incredible and stirs my soul in a way that other things do not. I hope you get a chance to visit us and make this trip to the high country with us. I can't promise there'll always be snow, but I can promise an incredible view!

Thank you for praying for us. God is answering your prayers. I hope you know that and I wish I could share the very specific ways He's answering your prayers. Maybe one day here on earth, or maybe it'll be the next side of heaven when I introduce you to the people who are there because you sacrificed, because you did not cease to mention people you don't even know in your prayers, because you came and saw, because you believed and hoped. One day...