Gifts

Of course it's that time of year to think about giving and yes, getting. (Who doesn't like to receive something?) This year I've taken a new approach to gifting--making my own. I've been having a lot of fun, probably too much.

I can't say I've created these incredibles products that are just going to WOW my family and friends, but I have had a lot of fun and taken a lot of time with them.

I'm thankful that I can do this.

And I can do this because I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm thankful I'm a stay-at-home mom and wife because everything I do at home isn't just for that little boy who's been in "time out" a lot lately. : )

This year I'm thankful we aren't traveling during Thanksgiving. I will miss both of our families dearly. I mean dearly!
But, It's been quite the year, especially the last few months. It's nice to just stay home and refuel.
This morning I was remembering the day I found out I was pregnant. It was in June and I was visiting my folks. I went to the doctor there for a UTI and found out I was pregnant. I still remember the doctor's reaction as she came back in the room and yelled, "You're pregnant! Congratulations!" She really did yell.
That being said. I'm thankful for the life and death of Ella Grace. Without both of those events, I would not have learned the valuable wisdom I have learned and I would not have the love for people or God that I have. She truly was a gift and blessing.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving week.
We're decorating for Christmas this Saturday! I'm excited! I'll be posting pictures soon!

I'm also posting some pictures from the family shoot I did a few weeks ago.  Check them out! I'd love to take your pictures, if you're interested.

Reckless Abandon

John Owen is a sponge--he's soaking up so many things.

He's learned the sign for "more" and seems to have a great time making it. He thinks it's a game and sometimes really means "more" when he makes it.

He doesn't cry when he goes to nursery at church.  He never really cried long before, just a few seconds, but now he just goes in like a big 'ole boy.

It's exciting and a little sad too.

They grow up so fast--it's like I'm blinking my eyes and he's becoming this little boy and not a baby anymore.

The other day someone asked about my children.

I said, "Yes, I have a little boy. He's fourteen months."

I wanted to say and I have three other children, but they're not here with me. They've returned to their Creator.

But that makes things awkward and people don't know what to say.

Still I wish I could say it because it's how I feel; it's how I think. And sometimes I don't care that it'll make people feel awkward--sometimes the truth does that.

It's funny how we can be pro-life and believe that life begins at conception, but when a woman loses a baby before it has a chance to take a breath in this world, it's not called a "death". It's a miscarriage or we say "she lost the baby".

Where'd she lose it?  When we say that it's like we left them somewhere and can't find them now. It's like we misplaced our watch or a favorite pair of earrings and don't know where they are. Or we didn't get good directions and can't find our destination now.

I understand what people mean. I used to look at early pregnancy losses the same way.

Until I had one, and then another and then another.

Then I had to say, "That's not how it is at all. That's a terrible way to describe it."

It hurts not to be able to say, "Yes, I have a son and he's fourteen months old, but I had three other children; one was a girl; her name was Ella Grace; they all died."

Because that's what happened to them--they died--even though they never took one breath of this world's air, they were alive one day and not the next.

Since I've walked this journey, I've felt remorse for the times that I've thought having a miscarriage wasn't as bad as actually losing a baby (as if sorrows can be compared, right?).

But sometimes you have to walk a road to fully understand. And I'm sure that the longer a person or child is with you, the harder it is to say good-bye to them. But, miscarriages are deaths and maybe we don't miss the actual child because we never held them, but it is the death of dreams and ideas and "what would have been." I think those things need to be mourned and then released because they can haunt us and turn us into bitter, sad people.

The hospital where I delivered three of my children (yes, according to the medical profession, miscarriages are forms of birth) has a Perinatal Mourning Support Group and every year at Christmas they host a candlelight ceremony.  In 2008, when I lost my second child, I received the invitation to this service and I didn't go because I thought, "I just had a miscarriage. It wasn't that bad. Not compared to what some people go through."

The truth is regardless of our sorrows and sufferings, God's grace is sufficient. This I KNOW to be true. And there is a time for mourning and then a time for joy again.  We have to choose to walk towards the time of joy and leave the time of mourning behind.

I think I will attend the candlelight service this year, not because I need closure or I can't move on from my losses, but because it's important (to me) to recognize the lives that God allowed to grow (for however long or short) and to celebrate His gifts. That's why I want to go.

Because I'm the mother of four children; three have passed away and one is still with me--my son, John Owen. He's fourteen months old.

A Day of Firsts

Today...John Owen experienced his first structured, organized toddler class at BSF and...
He Loved It!
His cheeks were flush from all of his excitement when I picked him up afterwards. Delightful.

It was also my first day at BSF and I have to say it was a great day!
I've never been in a Bible study like this and I think I'm going to really like it.

So what did I learn? It's funny how we can know a truth, but sometimes it takes someone saying it aloud for us to really latch on to it.
That's what happened to me today.
Someone said, "Is there anything in your life that God can't handle?" A pause. "Well, then what are you worried about?!"
Seems simple, I know, but I do tend to worry about small things, like paying bills, clutter in my house, John Owen's sporadic eating habits, and death.
Not my own death, but John Owen's, or Zack's, or another family members.

But today I had to ask myself if I really believed that there was NOTHING in my life that God couldn't handle.
I do believe that, so I've decided to start living like I believe it.
I know it'll be a daily thing, but doesn't He tell us to cast our cares and anxieties on Him? (I Peter 5)
That's what I'm purposing to do--cast 'em away.
He does a better job of ordering my life than I ever could.
And His grace is more than sufficient for any need or care I should ever have.
That I know because I have first-hand knowledge of it.

Moving Day

Today is moving day...blog moving day that is.
I hope you like this new one.
I do.

It's been crazy around our house. Both Zack and John Owen are sick. This is no fun, by the way.

John Owen and I get to attend our first BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) class tomorrow. I'm super excited!

I get to take family pictures for some very sweet friends of ours this afternoon. The weather is beautiful so I know it'll be a great time!
I'll post some pictures later to let you know how they go.

New Perspective

Originally Published November 7, 2010

I was thinking life is very different for me.
I used to be a teacher in a public school.
Now, I'm not.
That's weird to me.
But it's kind of nice to not live my life according to a bell schedule.
This January Zack and I will be married four years. Doesn't seem like it.
Sometimes it seems like only yesterday that we got married (and then got very sick) and then sometimes it seems like we've always been together. (I know you can relate.)
And then I think about the month of May and how different I was then. I looked at life differently. Had a different perspective.
I think things used to frustrate me more then and now those things don't seem to bother me.
A lot of things that used to be so important, just aren't anymore.
For example, I used to care that my kitchen stayed dirty. Now, I'm thankful I have people to get my floor dirty.
I used to care that my house was cluttered. Now, I'm glad it's cluttered and toys and shoes and socks and Diet Mountain Dew cans are everywhere.
I just pick it all up and go about my day.
I guess it's my new perspective. Those things just aren't as important.
It's more important that each day I glorify God, which I'll be the first to say I fail at most days.
I usually get short or sarcastic with someone or don't love people like I should. Or even worse, I get caught up in meaningless things and waste time.
And time is so precious.
I think I like this new perspective. I like going to the grocery store and not getting frustrated because people block the aisle with their cart, but stopping and waiting and watching them, wondering about their life story.
I want to know people now. Before I wasn't that interested in knowing people or meeting new people. I was more interested in completing my tasks and accomplishing what I wanted for the day.
I like where I am. I have a peace about life that I didn't have before (not that I was a worrier, but it's just different now). I still have struggles and fears that I have to give to God everyday, but life is different.
I'm different.
It still hurts sometimes.
I was flipping through my calendar on my phone yesterday and I flipped all the way to February and then stopped there when I remembered that February was the month that Ella Grace was due. I felt sad, but then quickly remembered that God knew best.
You know, we're all on our own unique journey. It's easy to begin to compare suffering and trials and think that one person's trial is greater than another's. And maybe sometimes it is, but we all have our "things", our burdens, our sorrows.
I hope I love people better.
I hope I recognize people's suffering and trials. I hope I help my brothers and sisters in Christ carry their burdens.
I hope I always point people to Christ.

Sweet Treasures

Originally published November 1, 2010

My lion.
Trick or Treating in the neighborhood. He has a Reeses in his hand.
Visiting the Arrastias.
Visiting the Caseys.
This Halloween we took our lion around to visit some friends. I have a few pictures above. We started at the Caseys'--His BB and KK and then headed over to the Brewers, but I don't have a pictures, finishing up at the Arrastias'.  All three families are sweet blessings to us and have helped us in countless ways.
The lion costume will be retired and we'll see what the future brings.
Saturday, October 30 marked ONE month since we lost Ella Grace.
You know how when someone leaves this earth, it takes a while to adjust to their not being here? It's like you have to find a new "normal".
Even though Ella Grace never lived on this earth, we still have to adjust to not having her. I know there are many like me (those women whose babies never lived on this earth or only breathed a few breaths before passing on) who understand what I mean.  We have to find a new "normal".
I think I have a greater understanding of the book of Ecclesiastes. I find GREAT joy in seeking to glorify God with my life. NOT in my circumstances, people, or things.  Circumstances change, people die, and material things don't hold their value.
You see I know that everything I have came from God and belongs to God and He can take it away whenever He chooses.
To most people, I have one child--a son.
To me, I have four children--three have passed on and one is still with me. I have more children in Heaven than on earth. What a blessing! Three of my children will never have to experience this world.
I count it great joy that I have faced trials--especially this trial because it has produced for me a priceless outcome--a greater knowledge and understanding of God and sweet, sweet treasures awaiting me in Heaven.

Steps, Canvases, Photo Walls

Originally published October 29, 2010

The Photo Collage on my wall is almost complete. I'm lacking a few pictures and then it'll be done. (Well, it'll probably never be done. I'll always change things up.)
Here's a picture of it so far.

And here's a picture of a centerpiece that I made. Not too bad for my first try.

All this crafting has been done in-between keeping up with John Owen.
He's a walker now so life is more fast paced. He usually likes to be wherever I am, but every now and then he'll take off exploring throughout the house.
I'm still working on finding a way to reproduce Ella Grace's footprints in a creative way.  The rubber stamp hasn't worked out for us, yet. I'm still hopeful, but not counting on it.
I'm looking into making a canvas, but they all seem to be pretty expensive, so we'll see how it goes.
It's funny because once I scanned them, it makes them seem a lot bigger than what they really are.
I'm still thankful for the words of encouragement and cards and prayers. I know without the grace of God, we would not have arrived at the place we are.
Life really does go on, doesn't it?

Crafting, Crafting, Crafting, Oh MY!

Originally published October 20, 2010

This is the shadow box that I bought at Hobby Lobby (on SALE--fifty percent off!). I put a few of the things that I have of hers. I'm not sure I Love it, so it might change before it goes on the wall.
Thanks to my friend Candace (no last names because it's the internet). She posted a crafting blog and I've gotten into crafting. I'm presently working on a faux window collage (with Zack's help of course) and a black and white photo collage for my dining room.
I'll post pictures later.
Life goes on--doesn't it!

The Woman Whose Daughter Died

Originally published October 19, 2010
Two truths and a Lie--it's a game I've played with middle school students to break the ice or help us get to know each other.
My truths:
I had a daughter--she died.
God's ways are better than my ways.
My Lie:
Life is back to normal.
One of the things I've always noticed about death is that life always goes on. It's always seemed to me very odd that the world just keeps going, that people just keep going about their usual everyday lives when someone special has left this world.
Now, I don't think it should be any other way.
There are many examples in the Bible of Jesus telling people to basically let the dead bury the dead. That statement seems so radical to us and an unfamiliar sentiment to think "Let the dead bury the dead." Well, for one how can a dead person bury a dead person?!
But I think what he meant, or at least part of what he meant is that we can't be bogged down in this life or the things of this world.
That's been my goal throughout this process--to focus on God and to hopefully glorify Him.
I'll have to say that it's harder now that Ella Grace is gone and things have "gotten back to normal" than it was in the midst of carrying her and thinking constantly about what the future held.
Why is it harder now to seek first to glorify God? Why do I want to look at footprints and think of what might have been and what I've lost? Why do I still find myself tearing up in Kroger when the pharmacist asks me why I'm still taking a prenatal vitamin and when I begin to explain my story she cuts me off?
With the passing of each day Ella Grace's memory moves farther away. Soon she will be a distant memory for most and I will be the woman whose daughter died because a lot of times we are defined by the tragedies that have occurred to us.
I hope my afflictions are eclipsed by Glory and though it's impossible for people not to see the hurt, I hope they see Him--really see Him.

New Beginnings

Originally published October 13, 2010
Well...We've just returned from our trip to Georgia and Virginia to see our families.
While we were in Georgia we got to attend the Georgia-Tennessee game--my first time "between the hedges." I was ridiculously excited and had no expectations that the Bulldogs would win, BUT THEY DID!!!!!
As we made our way to the stadium, I couldn't help thinking about our journey and Ella Grace.  One of the things we were going to do with her was go to the football game.  I thought about her while we were there, but I was comforted by the knowledge that God's plans are always best.
It's amazing the peace that Zack and I have felt during this time.
I can't say we haven't hurt and still don't some days.
I can't say we don't think about her and wonder.
While we were in Georgia, our friends, Camran and Erin had their third child--a little girl. They already have two boys so we were all delighting in the fact that God had given them a little girl. Zack and I had the opportunity to see them a few hours after their daughter was born (this is because they are very gracious and allowed us to come to the hospital to visit even though they were exhausted). As we took turns holding their tiny daughter, we both felt a sting, a twinge of "I wish". And then our "I wish" turned to "I can't wait until we have another baby".
In those times, we both think of Ella Grace and we miss her in different ways. I miss having her in my womb, feeling her flutter, knowing she's there. Zack misses what could have been--holding her, singing to her, watching her dance and play with her brother.
But then the grace and peace of God washes over us from our heads to our toes and we bask in His glory. In those times I feel more loved and cherished by God than I ever have before.
What a blessing that God allowed us to be in Georgia when our friends daughter was born. It was in a way a salve to our souls to be a part of it, to be able to buy girl clothes for her (do you see the sweetness of God in that?).
Maybe you wonder if we aren't bothered by other people's babies. Or it's too painful to be near people who have daughters or even to step into a baby store and buy little girl clothes.
I can't tell you that we don't feel a sting or a twinge.
BUT I can tell you that the joy we feel for our God and Savior and the joy we feel for our friends and even for strangers who have little babies ECLIPSES any pain or longing we have.
Our God is Great.
Our God is Mighty.
We love you all so much! Thank you for your prayers and for the outpouring of love through cards and food and hugs!

On Asking Why

Originally published October 5, 2010

These are the footprints that my nurse took of Ella Grace's feet. You can see she was trying hard to get good prints before she printed the birth certificate.

Her birth certificate.

And the back of her certificate with her footprints.
Our sweet friends have found a website that makes rubber stamps out of personal images, so the plan is to send a scanned copy of her footprints and then hopefully get a stamp that we can use to do different things with. I hope it works.  I think I'll make a thousand copies of these prints.  Is it weird that I want to always have a copy with me?  Lol. Am I that person?
Sometimes I am jealous of my nurse because she got to hold Ella Grace and I didn't.  But then I think of how sweet my nurse was to me and how hard she worked to get those prints and just how much they mean to me.
Zack and I both felt like Ella Grace was a gift to us, even though we knew she was going to die and as hard as that thought was, we still felt the graciousness of God in giving her to us.
Now I'm like a little kid who's just learning to share. What was mine has been taken away and I want it back! Isn't that how we think about people and things?  We stake our claim in them and then get angry if we lose them?
In truth, they're never really ours.  They are all gifts. Every good and perfect thing comes from the Lord.
Ella Grace was a good thing. Yet...she was God's.
I feel so incredibly blessed that He allowed me to share in her life, that He allowed me to walk this journey.
Now though, just like with any loss, there's an emptiness and I'm trying to fill it with the right things.
Many people have expressed their own questions about this situation.  I don't know if it's right to ask why in situations like these.  But if I said I didn't wonder some things, I'd be lying.
I'd like to share those with you to maybe help us all understand a little better, though I don't think we'll ever fully understand until we see Jesus face to face. And then, I don't know that it'll matter.
I do wonder why she was taken so soon.  I was ready and rejoicing and just plain loving having her with me. I was excited to hold her and see her face and have lots of pictures to cherish the rest of this life.
I wonder if we did something wrong, if we weren't faithful, if I typed the wrong thing on this blog.
I wonder even (and please understand this is my flesh--I am sinful) why other women got to carry their babies to at least eight or nine months and mine was taken from me at five.
And sometimes I even wonder what else God will take from me--my husband, my sweet little boy... These thoughts cause my heart to race (literally, it does) and I'm overcome with great fear and wonder  "will I be as faithful in those times?" And I think, "No, God, I won't make it through that!"
You know what I've come up with?
Trust and Obey.
I don't know the answer to any of those questions.  I just know and believe with everything inside of me that God really does know BEST. I will obey Him. He has placed us in a season of mourning and weeping and we will obey Him and walk through it.
But, I know (because His word tells me so) that one day my tears will turn to laughter, my mourning to dancing, my grief to joy.
This too will pass.
There really is no time in this life for bitterness (or even bittersweetness--note the root of this word), anger, excessive questioning (note I put excessive questioning). I do believe it's o.k. to wonder because through my own wondering I've come to incredible knowledge of God.
We have to let go of Ella Grace. Accept that God's best for us was to take her on September 30, 2010.
I'm sure it will hurt for some time. Maybe I'll always miss her, miss what would have been.
But, what an awesome God we serve who can turn our mourning into rejoicing, who never leaves us or forsakes us, who in our darkest hour, holds us the closest?!
Maybe I should be asking why He does that for such a sinner like me?
But I know why...It's How He Loves Us.

Ella Grace's Day

Originally published October 4, 2010
I woke up early September 30th--really early.  I couldn't sleep because I was in pain from the laminaries and I just kept thinking about all the things I needed to do before I went to the hospital.  So I just got up and fixed a bunch of food for John Owen to eat while we were gone. When Zack and I arrived at Central Baptist we went on a wild goose chase just to find the place we were supposed to be. We started in Labor and Delivery, which is where we went two years ago for our D & E, but the woman was convinced they didn't do those in labor and delivery. Eventually we did return to labor and delivery. In the process we met our pastor's wife, who had just seen her son, daughter-in-law and new granddaughter off.
They got us settled in a room and the nurse came in a started prepping me for the surgery.  As she was getting things ready, she mentioned that some people chose to do footprints.  I hadn't realized this was an option and we asked her if we could do that. She said she'd try really hard, but could make no promises.
I remember thinking, Lord please let us get footprints. Those footprints were so important to me. Maybe I needed them to make it all real, to just have something tangible.
I woke up a few hours later in recovery and before I opened my eyes I could hear the nurse talking to Zack about the footprints and asking him if he knew it was a girl.
And then I heard her ask him what we named her.  I thought she was just being kind at first, but when we got back to the room, Zack handed me Ella Grace's birth certificate with her little footprints.
I remember thanking God that even in this time He was merciful to me. Not only did we get footprints, but a birth certificate too!
That's the story, the details of how it happened.
Now...
We mourn.
I wish...  I wish a lot of things, but I wish I had had longer.
I knew she was going to die, but I wasn't quite ready for it. Maybe we never are ready for it. Death isn't how things are supposed to be. Man's sin introduced it into the world.
But there is comfort.
I know that everything happened as God wanted. And I know it is best.  This is hard because in my heart, I want her back. I want longer, but I know this isn't what I NEED.
As I've said before, we think we know what is best, but God's way is best.
We trust that. There is an emptiness. There is a sadness.
But it will not last. We know this and trust God's word, which tells us that our mourning will become rejoicing.
I am thankful for the time we had. I am thankful for the sweet mercies the Lord has shown us.
I just thankful that I serve a God who is mighty, merciful, gracious, and loving.
I know for some people, Ella Grace wasn't even a life yet. But she was real to us and I have the footprints to prove it.
I know most of you understand grief. You are familiar with mourning.
We covet your prayers.
We appreciate your support.
We love you all.

This Day: Part Two

Originally published September 29, 2010

This Day...
We visited the doctor for a check-up and he couldn't find a heartbeat.
We then had an ultrasound.  We waited as the ultrasound tech searched for a heartbeat. The baby was curled in a little ball, so it was difficult to get a good picture. She found the spot where the heart was and then turned on the volume...
Only the hollow sound of the ultrasound machine could be heard.
It is a sad sound.
BUT this is what God ordained and He knows best. We trust and accept God's plans and will.
Our sweet ultrasound tech worked very hard to get good pictures for us, noting her fingers and toes and arm and leg.  I feel very blessed to have these. God is good.
Our next step was to choose between inducing labor and delivering or having a D & E ( won't explain this procedure; if you're interested, you can Google it.)  My ob advised a D & E because of my previous c-section scar and he wants to protect my uterus.  I was hesitant because I've had this procedure before and parts of it are very painful (physically).
But, the alternative--inducing--could take as long as 72 hours, meaning I would be hospitalized for that long. This is not something I want to do.
So...We traveled over to the Perinatal Clinic to see our good friends there and so I could have laminaries inserted into my cervix to help it dilate. This is the painful part of the procedure (the insertion of the seaweed sticks, as I like to call them and then the dilating of my cervix. I do have pain medicine, but it only dulls it.
Tomorrow...We will travel to Central Baptist for the D & E.  The estimate that Ella Grace's heart stopped close to three weeks ago. She left me then; only her body remains. Tomorrow that will leave me also.
Today...We mourn. Our daughter has returned to her Creator. What an awesome place to be?!
Just as we asked you to walk with us through the first part of our journey, we ask that you walk with us through our mourning.
What now?  Just love us.  Understand that we know God is great, faithful, and merciful.
BUT God does not always spare us from pain.
This day we hurt, but we don't hurt without a hope.
We love you all and are so, so thankful for each of you.
In His Grip,
Jennifer

About the Father

Originally published September 28, 2010
Zack. My opposite.
He is blessed with the ability to have a conversation with ANYONE.
I am not.
I have to speak about him because he will never tell his story in words on a blog. His story will be told though through the life he's living.
For now, I must share what I know of his heart in this journey.
He perseveres with joy.  He adheres to the word of God and trusts completely.
He laughs at my moodiness. Wipes my tears and lets me be sad some days or allows me to go off by myself to just think.
He is giving.
He thinks of me before himself and sacrifices his desires for mine and John Owen's.
Some may think that this journey is harder for me because I have the honor of carrying Ella Grace in my womb.
But you are mistaken. You see, I see the pained look in his eyes sometimes or see him pouring over the Word searching for God's truth and promises. Most of all, I see him continuing--continuing to live, continuing to preach, continuing to serve, continuing to invest in the lives of others.
His perseverance strengthens my perseverance.  His desire to honor God with service to others fuels my desire to honor God with service to others.
There may be a person somewhere who doesn't like Zack; I 'd argue that person has bad taste.
You know, it was first a Father--the Father who lost His child, His son, willingly. Who better to understand the sorrow and pain of losing a child than the One who gave His up willingly for us?
John Owen adores his dad. I'm thankful that he has a dad who points him to Christ.

This Day

Originally published September 27, 2010

I'm blessed.
Rejoicing in the blessing of this journey and our Great God hasn't been a challenge at all. It's been almost effortless.  I know it's because of God's grace and peace; it's not anything that I do.
I say almost effortless because there are times that I feel a cloak of sadness come over me when I think of how this journey might end if God doesn't heal her.  But God is faithful and provides the strength to push off the cloak and rest in Him.
I think that Zack and I are in a really sweet place.  Today we went to Zack's favorite Mexican restaurant and I ordered two tacos. I normally get something "American" because I don't love Mexican food.  Zack laughed at me and said, "You're so pregnant."  We giggled over my crazy cravings and I thought, I am pregnant.
Even though God's grace is sufficient, I do think that we aren't always immune to the disease of Bittersweetness.  I call it a disease because I truly believe if we aren't careful it can eat away at us like a cancer and keep us from the sweet peace of God.
Our next doctor's appointment is Wednesday and we'll get to hear the heartbeat. I'm excited and a little nervous. I think I'll always be a little nervous about doctor's appointments because of our experiences.
So many of you have offered sweet words of comfort and encouragement and I know that you pray for us and we are SO thankful for all that you do. You are on this journey with us and I pray that God will bless each of you immensely. You are truly showing us the Love of Christ by all that you do for us.
I'm beginning to show a little now. I'm just shy of nineteen weeks and I've gained one pound. This is significant because hopefully the lack of weight gain means that I'm not retaining a lot of fluid which means we'll be able to carry her as close to full term as God allows.
This is our prayer--to carry her forty weeks.  I think I'd carry her the rest of my life, if possible.
I really do. I'd be pregnant until the day I died if it meant keeping her with me. But that's my flesh wanting to hold onto this gift.  When the time comes, I hope I can joyfully give her back to her creator.
I get nervous when I think about time going by. I remember with John Owen I counted down the weeks and days and couldn't wait for him to get here.  With this pregnancy, I just cherish this day.
For this day, I have her with me and it is sweet.
Love you all and so, so thankful for your prayers. God is answering them.

Eclipsed by Glory

Originally published September 20, 2010
"All of a sudden I'm unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me." DCB
I have a playlist. I have many playlists, but this one is special. It's untitled. All the songs reflect God's glory. One song in particular, David Crowder's "How He Loves" is one that I hear daily. The line above struck me yesterday as significant.
I am eclipsed by glory.  Through this journey I'm realizing how beautiful God is and  just how much He loves me.  What knowledge?! Costly, but priceless.  I don't wish bad things upon any of you, but I wish you could know what I know every day. I wonder if you know God. If you know that His word is true--that His promises aren't empty. They are true--that His grace is MORE than sufficient.
Sometimes I think how crazy it is that I'm talking about the things I'm talking about--memorial services, the last breaths of my child, recording every second of this journey. Never in a million years did I think I'd ever think through these things. Who does, right?
I have a conversation with God every day. It goes something like this:
Heal Lord. You can give her a brain. You can reform her right now--anytime, right before she's born. You can fix this. I believe Lord. I really believe.
All she needs is a brain, like the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz, but I'm so thankful that God isn't just some little man masquerading as a wizard. He's real. He's alive. He's a part of my life.  Even if He doesn't give her brain. Even if He doesn't fix it, what a joy to walk this journey with Him.
What a joy that people celebrate Ella Grace's life with us!  Friends have given us sweet gifts to help us celebrate this special time.
Last week, I put Ella Grace's ultrasound picture on the dresser in John Owen's room, which would be her room too.  What a joy to show him a picture of his sister and to put her name in blocks next to his! To be able to tell him one day of the greatness of God and how He carried us each and every day through this journey.

Can you see her in her picture?  Later in the pregnancy we'll have better pictures, I think.

I had to include John Owen's.  It's an old picture of him, but they are together on the dresser.
Thank you for walking this journey with us. We feel your prayers everyday. I hope God is becoming more real to you everyday, like He is for us.
I pray we are all eclipsed by God's glory whatever our circumstances are.
We love you all!
I decided to include the song for you to hear.  It's really quite beautiful. Here's the link on Youtube for the official video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ&ob=av2n It's a funky video, but you can still hear the song.

Imagining the Grace

Originally published September 15, 2010
I want to update you on Brooke, the young woman I posted about Saturday.  Her son, Briar was born September 13 and passed away as he was born. Her blog post is beautiful. I imagine her hurt (because I imagine what mine will be like if God chooses not to heal Ella Grace); I imagine her sorrow, as I imagine my own. But tonight I'm going to imagine God's Grace pouring over her and her husband because I know it's real. I feel it everyday.  As you pray for us, pray for her and others like her. And as you pray and sorrow with those whose children have passed, imagine God's incredible grace and glory in it. I know I am.
Praise Him for this opportunity. Praise Him for this pain. Just Praise Him because He is God.
Here's the link to her blog again. Take some time to check it out and pray for her and her family.
www.polkadotsandricrac.blogspot.com

Grieving Today

Originally published September 11, 2010
A friend from church shared the link to the blog of a friend of his family's. She is also carrying a baby who is anencephalic.  I was recently notified that she is in the hospital and will most likely deliver her baby boy today.  I have joyed in reading her blog because she, too has chosen to find great joy in her pregnancy.
BUT now her day of mourning is coming, much like ours will most likely come one day. Please, please, please lift her up to the Savior. I know His grace is sufficient and He will be there with her and her family.
I grieve with her today for her loss and I Praise God with her that she was given this opportunity.
Check out her blog if you have time. If you don't make a little time just to know how best to pray for her and her family.
www.polkadotsandricrac.blogspot.com
In His Grip,
J

Planning for Ella Grace-Part One

This is John Owen in his Little Tikes car!I guess he's pondering life or maybe just enjoying the afternoon.
Now, this is just precious! My men!
First, I have to tell you all that Zack was able to feel Ella Grace move last night. It's probably early for that since we are only sixteen weeks, but what a blessing that he has felt her already! God is sweet! We have had such a good time with John Owen this week. A sweet family gave us a Little Tikes car and he's enjoyed it so much. It has occupied him for at least 45 minutes everyday. I'm including some pictures so you can see just how much fun he's having.
Zack and I have begun Part One of Planning for Ella Grace. These next five months are our "Joy Months" because we are going to choose to rejoice in Ella Grace's life. It's such a blessing to have her even if for a short time. She's already watched some college football and eaten at Cracker Barrel. In October we hope to take her to her first Georgia football game between the hedges in Athens. I'm super excited about that one!
For now our planning involves ways we can create keepsakes of her time with us. When I was pregnant with John Owen someone told me about a pregnancy spa in Lexington called Baby's Belly. They do 3d and 4d ultrasounds, which if you didn't know are all the rage now.  I thought it was silly to pay that much money for an ultrasound when I could get one at my doctor's office (not 3d).  But I decided to check out their site the other day and saw that if you get a 3d/4d ultrasound package they video and audio record it.  This means we'd have a video of Ella Grace in the womb and we'd also have her heartbeat recorded. So, I think we might try to do it.
I've also decided to start a scrapbook/journal.  I'm not sure exactly what this is going to look like, so any ideas from all you scrapbookers out there are appreciated.  I'm not really a scrapbooker, but it's something I really want to do.
I also want to record her footprints in different pastel colors on a plate or something.  Not sure about the details of that one either so once again, ideas are welcome.
I have to tell you that I hope in this journey you see the glory of God in it all. Know that I am weak and most days, I struggle, but I know that it's a daily battle and everyday I must choose to seek God's face and to joy in the path He has chosen for me. He is ever so faithful to me and when I choose to walk in obedience to Him, He rains His joy upon me. I've never experienced anything like it in such a difficult time. Maybe because I've always focused more on myself and not on Christ.
I am truly blessed to have such great friends and family members who pray for me and send me encouraging cards in the mail. Checking the mail is so much fun because I'm almost guaranteed a card or two waiting on me. Most especially I'm blessed to be learning and seeing the things I am on this incredible journey.
One day (soon) there will be a time for mourning, a time for weeping---my heart will break into a thousand pieces when my little girl leaves this earth. BUT for today, I choose to joy in the gift of her life growing in my womb. To God be the Glory!

Memory-Keepers

Originally published September 6, 2010
I found this exceptional website tonight and wanted to share it with everyone. It has a ton of information about anencephaly and even has pictures and stories from parents who all chose to carry their babies to term instead of terminating. The pictures aren't too graphic, but use caution if your small children are around.  I'm most excited about the links to pages explaining how to create memory keepsakes! What a great God we serve that He allows me to find joy in being able to prepare a little for my Ella Grace.
I am truly blessed. He is truly Great!
http://www.anencephalie-info.org/e/index.php
On a side note, every time I write a post and click the spell check it always tells me that anencephaly is spelled incorrectly.  I have to laugh at the absurdity. Even the silly computer thinks it's a deformity.

The Celebration of Life

Originally published September 5, 2010
Psalm 56:8: "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"
Psalm 56:10-11: "In god, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid..."
Today we celebrated John Owen's first birthday. His birthday is actually August 31st. There were lots of friends, gifts, and food. What a blessing to share in this celebration with such sweet, kind people. I've included some pictures from the celebration so you could see just how blessed we were.
Can you see him peeking over the bag?  He was surrounded by his loot!
I traveled to Mt. Washington Friday evening to visit with friends. As I drove there I meditated on our present journey.  Since August 23rd, my way of coping had been to stay busy. Every day I had risen from bed and sought out tasks to keep my mind occupied. My plan had been to continue this way until this Ella Grace was born. I had BIG plans for our home--lots of organization and redecorating.
As I drove I began to realize that I was missing "it". Before finding out that our baby would not live past birth, I had meditated a lot on joyful obedience to God. If I truly believe that the Bible is true and that God's promises are true, then my obedience to Him should not be one of forlorn subjection, but I should find joy in His plans for me. Right?
So what's the "it" that I was missing? IT is living like I trust God and believe that this journey is His best for me. God is Sovereign. He is the author of life. He formed Ella Grace in my womb. He has created her exactly as He wants her to be. That's part of the IT that I was missing. The doctors call it a birth defect and deformity, but God says, "It is good."
Zack and I both believe this is what He has ordained for us. We obediently accept this plan for us.
BUT and this is where I will be painfully honest with you in hopes you will not focus on my sinful nature, but will see the glory of God. Wednesday, September 1st when the perinatal doctor told me that our baby was an anencephaly baby and then he fully explained what that meant, detailing the deformities (I'll spare you), that I would most likely get very big with this pregnancy because anencephaly babies can't swallow and the fluid just stays in the mother's stomach, that all the fluid could cause my uterus to rupture, and that our baby's condition was akin to being brain dead, my flesh saw "early delivery" as a relief from this condition. I don't tell you that because I'm proud of it. I'm not. I'm human and my sinful nature wars within me. I fought it all the way home, trying to justify and work out why it would be o.k. to terminate. We wouldn't keep a brain dead adult alive, would we?
How wretched my selfishness!  I grieved that day--for my baby and for myself. I sought the Lord. And as I drove to Mt. Washington, I chose to not follow my heart, but to LEAD it to joyful obedience to God. Immediately, and I mean immediately, I felt the presence of God. I felt my heart leap with joy at the thought of carrying Ella Grace and prayed fervently that God would not take her early (something I had selfishly prayed in the beginning). I began to joy at this opportunity to bring God glory through our act of obedience.
Zack and I have chosen to joy each day of Ella Grace's life in the womb--each day we have with her and whatever amount of time God gives us with her when she is born. I find pleasure in my growing stomach, in the flutters that I feel, in the knowledge that she is there for this appointed time.
She is ours. God gave her to us and through this first part of the journey I have learned that when we are obedient to God, there is joy--even in the most difficult acts of obedience.
There's a song ("Trust and Obey") I used to sing in church when I was growing up. I'll leave you with part of it because it truly sums up what I have learned thus far. "Trust and Obey, for there's no other way/to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey...Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share, but our toil he doth richly repay; not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross, but is blessed if we TRUST and OBEY.
May you find the same joy in obedience I have. May you see the glory of Christ in my journey.
For this part of our journey, we will celebrate life in the womb and outside of it!

The Glory of It All

Originally Published September 2, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010. Zack and I visited the perinatal clinic for a "just to be sure everything's o.k." ultrasound. I had already had two normal ultrasounds and at fourteen weeks thought I was not in danger of losing this baby.  From the start of the day, things were off. We got up late, got to the clinic late, there was only one doctor working. And then...Immediately the ultrasound tech knew something was wrong, though she put on a good show for us. She paged the only doctor working at the clinic and he came immediately to let me know in no uncertain terms, that my baby would not live once it was born. He spouted off a lot of medical terms and possibilities, none of which I remembered. I came away from that appointment knowing only that my baby would die and that as the doctor said, "This is much worse than Down Syndrome."
The doctor left us alone in the room to process the news and as Zack held me while I cried and my heart broke at the thought of carrying this baby for six more months and then losing it, a peace settled over me. I had a sense that this was God's plan for our lives and we would live it, like we had lived everything else. Like Zack had lived the death of his father when he was only seventeen, or we had lived the two miscarriages prior to the birth of our son John Owen. We'd live it because we wholeheartedly trust that God's plans are best.
Today we returned to the perinatal clinic so they could try and determine exactly what was wrong with the baby. The answer: anencephaly.  I sat staring at the picture of my baby that the ultrasound tech had left up (by mistake probably) as the doctor talked and talked and tried to console us and offer us "early delivery" and reassure us that it wasn't our fault. I just sat and stared. None of those things he said offered any consolation to me, any hope. For the ten days prior to today, I had believed and known with everything inside of me that God could heal my baby. BUT today as I sat and stared at my baby, something inside of me knew that maybe healing wasn't God's best in this situation.
Our desire has been to glorify God in all we do. I fail miserably most days. Especially while we are on this journey though, my heart cries out to glorify God above all else. And maybe God will receive more glory through our suffering than through a miracle. Maybe not. All things are possible with God.
But today...I grieve.
I grieve for my little girl kicking and growing inside of me--Ella Grace.
I grieve for my husband who tries so hard to understand me and wants desperately to make things better.
I grieve for my family, friends, and church family who hurt with us as we travel this road.
At the end of this journey I hope people can say that God received glory.
I hope we suffer well.

He is...(Thoughts on Zack)

Originally published September 27, 2008

He is
kind.
He is
loving.
He is
reliable.
He is
present.
He is
funny.
He is
cute.
He is
late, sometimes.
He is
good.
He is
Godly.
He is
mine.

Spend Time.

Originally published September 29, 2008

Time is not tangible.  It cannot be touched. Held. Experienced. Stopped.  Not even with a stopwatch.  The click of the button doesn't end the minute you were calculating.  Our clocks. Our wristwatches. Our Rolexes. Timexes.  They are our attempt to capture sixty seconds, sixty minutes, sixty hours--our life.  But all in vain.  6:10 p.m. to me is not 6:10 p.m. to you or to Bob next door or even to Shelly six states away or Ming a continent away.
Our life is captured in events, happenings, memories--but only for a short while. No really it's captured in deeds--in our legacy.  As much as we try to keep up with the times, what will really matter is what was left behind.
And then only for the duration of this world.  Time should not be kept, but spent. Spent well with purpose and intention.
We should live intentionally. Purposefully we should spend our allotted time well. Unabashedly, fearlessly we should spend our time.
We should never kill time.  It is not ours to kill. We are not the author of it. We did not create it.  It is a gift.
Spend it wisely.

On the Sovereignty of God

Originally published September 6, 2008
  I wanted to see the world.  I wanted to be where all the people were.  Those were the two singular desires of my heart when I was a child.  They shifted through my body, at times becoming an ache, at others an excitement of what the future held.  I was twelve and I wanted to be many things.
   Twenty years later I've done many things, been to many places. But it is not the things that I've done and the places I've been that have defined me.  It is the trials I've experienced that have molded me into who I am today.
  I know God is Sovereign.  I understand that He is the author of life, thus He has the right to give it and to take it.  I know His ways are better than mine.  He has poured blessings upon my life.  He has allowed me to fulfill the dreams I had as a twelve year old girl--I've traveled to many beautiful places, had many good friends, done many things in my life.
   The greatest blessing is experiencing the Sovereignty of God in my own life. It has been painful, excruciatingly so at times, but the knowledge I've gained has been priceless.  Through the trials, through the loss I've gained a knowledge of God so priceless that of course it comes at a high price.  It is worth it.

I've moved!

I've decided to move my blog. With this new blog I can exercise my creativity and add a lot of (hopefully) cool things. Hope you enjoy and it's not too much of an inconvenience.