"And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." Hebrews 11:6
Seven years ago on a hot August day, I faced my first crisis of belief. I did not doubt the existence of God, the sacrifice, burial and resurrection of His Son on my behalf, His creation of the world and His constant sustaining of life, but I doubted Him. The Him that I'd read about, heard about, taught about, sung about, written about. Was He who He said He was? Would He do what He promised to do?
Seven years ago, I'd received confirmation that the little girl I was carrying was not going to live. The length of her life in the womb and outside of it was unknown, but what was sure was that she would not live very long.
In the weeks that passed after the diagnoses, my faith in God was not rocked. I did not doubt HIs existence or even HIs power. My belief in His nature was rocked like nothing before. So many doubts about who God is and how He works.
I think there are times in our lives, on our journeys that we are faced with the reality that our present circumstances do not seem to align with what we've held to be true about God.
During our time here, I've had the opportunity to talk with many people. Sometimes this is at the playground while our children play. Other times it's over coffee on campus. Still others it's sitting at someone's table as we share our experiences and coffee. A common theme is this crisis of belief.
How do I believe that God is loving if He allowed my daughter to die when He could have healed her?
How do I believe that God is sovereign over all when white-supremacists still march, when racism is prevalent and seemingly defended, when the whole world seems to have gone nuts? When right is called wrong and wrong is called right?
How do I believe that God has truly called us here to plant a church when it seems that He is silent?
Abraham. He believed God. He believed God is who He says He is. He believed God even when he didn't understand God. So much so he willingly offered up his own son to God.
I haven't arrived at the answer to my doubts and questions, but what I have arrived at is that my belief of God is based upon my knowledge of God and then...just a trust that God is who He says He is.
I must take Him at His Word.
I don't know why some people suffer greatly and others seemingly not at all.
I don't know why some people lose all their children to death, struggle to have one child, live with barren wombs, while others enjoy large families.
I don't know why in this place my youngest son struggles so desperately. Still struggling. His little heart sad, discouraged, anxious.
I don't know the "why's" in His ways, but I do know that He is who He says He is. I know it because I choose to believe it.
On this day, seven years after my first crisis of belief, I face my second one. As I sit here typing, I struggle to see how God will build His church through us. In this place it feels like a lofty dream. I begin and end every day the same--crying out to God to build His church. This place has brought to light the complete powerlessness of my broken self.
So many questions race through my mind. Why did God bring us here? Is He really going to build His church?
I know some people seemingly never waver in their belief. And maybe others do...I remember a day seven years ago when I faced a choice:
Walk away from my faith--deny it and face a life disbelieving
or
Believe ALL of God's Word---take Him at His Word. Trust that even though my present circumstances don't seemingly line up with what is true about God, God does not change. He is the same in the valley as He is on the mountaintop.
I choose today to make the same choice I made seven years ago.
I choose to take God at His Word.
But God... "We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek." Hebrews 6:19-20
I don't apologize for my crises of belief. I'm thankful for the wrestling in the night for it is in the night that the LIGHT shines the brightest. And shine it always does...forever.
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