This Day

Originally published September 27, 2010

I'm blessed.
Rejoicing in the blessing of this journey and our Great God hasn't been a challenge at all. It's been almost effortless.  I know it's because of God's grace and peace; it's not anything that I do.
I say almost effortless because there are times that I feel a cloak of sadness come over me when I think of how this journey might end if God doesn't heal her.  But God is faithful and provides the strength to push off the cloak and rest in Him.
I think that Zack and I are in a really sweet place.  Today we went to Zack's favorite Mexican restaurant and I ordered two tacos. I normally get something "American" because I don't love Mexican food.  Zack laughed at me and said, "You're so pregnant."  We giggled over my crazy cravings and I thought, I am pregnant.
Even though God's grace is sufficient, I do think that we aren't always immune to the disease of Bittersweetness.  I call it a disease because I truly believe if we aren't careful it can eat away at us like a cancer and keep us from the sweet peace of God.
Our next doctor's appointment is Wednesday and we'll get to hear the heartbeat. I'm excited and a little nervous. I think I'll always be a little nervous about doctor's appointments because of our experiences.
So many of you have offered sweet words of comfort and encouragement and I know that you pray for us and we are SO thankful for all that you do. You are on this journey with us and I pray that God will bless each of you immensely. You are truly showing us the Love of Christ by all that you do for us.
I'm beginning to show a little now. I'm just shy of nineteen weeks and I've gained one pound. This is significant because hopefully the lack of weight gain means that I'm not retaining a lot of fluid which means we'll be able to carry her as close to full term as God allows.
This is our prayer--to carry her forty weeks.  I think I'd carry her the rest of my life, if possible.
I really do. I'd be pregnant until the day I died if it meant keeping her with me. But that's my flesh wanting to hold onto this gift.  When the time comes, I hope I can joyfully give her back to her creator.
I get nervous when I think about time going by. I remember with John Owen I counted down the weeks and days and couldn't wait for him to get here.  With this pregnancy, I just cherish this day.
For this day, I have her with me and it is sweet.
Love you all and so, so thankful for your prayers. God is answering them.